A Day of Mixed Emotions

We have had a very sad week here in my corner of the world. A 3 year old boy was abducted-taken from his home while his parents and 7 siblings slept. For the last 3 days Search and Rescue teams, volunteers from the community, the RCMP and many others have been scouring the province for any signs of the young boy and his kidnapper. This morning I got up to go to work and was over joyed to see the news that he had been returned safe and sound. The suspect is still out there but at least this family will have some piece of mind and child to hug and kiss again. This case hit me hard, and I'm not even a parent yet.

I could not get this sweet little boy out of my mind, I can't imagine the type of person that would do something so terrible.
With the good news of the morning I drove into work, forgetting for only a moment what this day marks.
Today is the 10th anniversary and as a resident of western Canada some people would say that Sept. 11 doesn't mark much to me. They would be wrong. I am a paramedic and I am in love with a law enforcement officer. Many people just like myself and my CW were killed that day or lost someone that they loved. I can't fathom the fear and anger the people directly affected by this day have felt and still feel. What I can fathom is how much it would hurt to lose my mountie.
This year, like the previous 9 years on this day I remember how lucky I am and I think about all the lives lost that day but this year I thought of something I never have before. What about the dispatchers that day, the air traffic controllers, the 911 call takers. I wonder how their lives have changed. I wonder how many suffer from survivor's guilt, knowing they sent crews to their deaths, sitting their feeling utterly helpless as their city and home was changed forever. So today I'm remembering the people that gave their lives and the ones that weren't given a choice, but I'm also thinking about the people behind the scenes. I'm hoping you have found some sort of peace. I hope I'm not the only one thinking about you today and I'm sorry that it took this long for me to think of you, but I am today and I hope others are too.
Thank you to all the men and women that continue on their daily jobs today, because as we all know, the anniversary of 9/11 doesn't mean the phones stop ringing and the alarms stop toning. My LEO is working tonight and I will wait up for him to crawl into bed with me. I am lucky enough to hold my loved one tonight and I will never take that for granted. Please be safe out there xoxo.

Back to Reality

I am exhausted. I do not know how other police S/O's do it with children because right now it is just us two and I am already waving the little white flag. I haven't posted in a while and I left off with a dark cloud over my head. Well, a solid update is in order.
Me: I found out my DNR patient had never actually signed the DNR so my decision to start CPR was definitely warranted, and my goodness what a relief, I've been sleeping better since I heard the news.
We have had several visitors, one of which is still with us and another one on the way. CW's field trainer from out of town came down with his wife and daughter and spent a few days here. The day those visitors left we started dog sitting for one of CW's co-workers while they are out of town and this cute visitor is with us until tomorrow. The night we got the dog we had some friends over for dinner which was lovely. Then the next night we got a surprise visit from CW's brother. The very next day my mother came down to visit and we had a great day on the town complete with wine and a movie on the couch. After that I had to start moving all my stuff over to CW's house because this is the month I officially move in! So for the last 2 days I've been sorting through his crap stuff to make room for mine. I'm still not sure what to do with half of his kit. We are starting to store most of it in the closet in the office, we'll see how it works, I may need another shelf put in the garage. When I asked CW why he needed 6 tactical shirts when he goes on tac calls maybe 6 times a year his response was "hey, it's free". Men.

CW update: He went back to work and had a fairly uneventful block however he managed to earn a marvelous nickname. But I'm going to save that story for next time. It's so good it deserves its own post. His days off consisted of socializing and helping me host all the visitors. He started his block of all nights (which are the worst running from 1800-0400) but he got a terrible man cold before his second night and was off for a total of 2 nights and is now back on the streets for his last shift. I find it difficult when he calls in sick because I feel like I'm getting extra hours with him but he feels so 'blah' that he isn't the same. I have this list of things to get done and I start to feel cheated that he isn't helping me on his days off. I just have to remind myself that in his mind, the sniffles might actually kill him so I made him some soup and catered to his every need.
HA! Yeah right, I got him some canned soup and some gatorade and continued vacuuming around his feet.


So for now I leave you this video. CW isn't nearly this bad but it is funny all the same!

Black Cloud

It's official. I have a very large black cloud over my head. There was one forming and starting to sprinkle a little rain while I was working in the office. It has turned into a full blown thunder storm out here in the ambulance.
I warned my partner yesterday but she insisted on attending anyways. We traded roles after a very messy call at the jail. There was a fridge involved. I'm fairly certain they will be bolting that fridge down from now on.
Tonight, I'm working with a new guy. It's his first shift. I tried to warn him too but the pager toned before I could really tell him about the cloud about to burst. 20 minutes into the shift we were called Code 3 for cardiac arrest.
Normally arrests are one of the easiest calls, its a nice easy series of steps, fairly black and white. Not if you're operating under a shadow, which is unfortunately what happened tonight.
Sometimes the weight of my decisions that I must make in this job are overwhelming. Tonight I literally made the choice of life and death. I'm still not sure I went with the right one. How do you choose to start CPR, or not start CPR with the husband of your patient screaming at you not to touch her and the son of the patient pleading with you to "please, please just do something".
Everything changed in the course of 2 minutes. I made a decision and now I have to live with it. I followed my protocols. I took away the only dignity one can have in death and I can't take that back. This woman was meant to die peacefully in her chair. I dragged her out, I broke her ribs with my hands. All in front of her husband. He wouldn't look at me after. I asked if there was anything I could do for him. He told me to "Fuck off". I've never been so ashamed and sad at the same time.
As it turns out, the patient's family was expecting her to die today and the doctor had yet to return the DNR form. I'm mad at the doctor, I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the patient's husband for being so angry with me. I hope he knows I did what I had to do to protect my license. I did what I had to do simply because they called 911.

Unfair

Sometimes, somethings in life just don't seem fair.
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this idea today. I'm on my 3 and final shift of my block in the office today and things were crazy busy again. The weekends are the busiest time for our Search and Rescue crews, with people out and enjoying the sunshine, usually accompanied with alcohol, combine that with sheer stupidity you get a lot of people hurting themselves in remote locations. But sometimes we have those calls that are simply sad.
On Aug 13 ambulance crews responded to a fisherman that fell and hit his head, the crews requested SAR to help get the patient out. When SAR arrived the patient was deceased following a traumatic head injury. The worst part is that in trying to pull this guy to safety his friend fell in the river before crews arrived. We had a very unusual amount of water this year and the rivers are quite high in the whole province, higher water means faster water here. Search and Rescue crews and Swift Water Technicians worked well into the night looking for this guy, but with no daylight left the search was put on hold. The crews went back out every day at first light to continue their search.
I will stop here to add that Search and Rescue in my province is a volunteer based program. Every SAR member here is volunteer, they leave their jobs, their spouses, their kids and their lives to search for people FOR FREE. These people are among the most selfless people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Moving on.
The crews were getting disgruntled and feeling discouraged, they had said that if nothing was found this weekend they would be putting the search to rest indefinitely. I am lucky to call one of the SAR Managers 'friend' on this team and so I knew how tired the crews really were (not just the weary voices we get on the other end of the phone in the office).
Today at 2000hrs my friend called into the office and asked for me. Normally the SAR Managers will give a report to whoever happens to answer the phone so when he asked for me I was a little confused but welcomed the chance to chat all the same.
"How goes the battle PW"
I was met with a deep breath, and a shaky "not good CJ, not good"
I've never heard this man rattled in my life. It was like the moment you realize your parents are actually just human and they can be afraid of things just like you. It is an unnerving feeling.
"What's up PW? Everything ok?"-the rest of the office perked up. We have all been on edge since losing our first SAR member merely weeks ago while on a call.
"Well CJ, I've been doing this for 40+ years and I have never been this disappointed" he said. "We found him. The clothing matched the description. He was caught in a log jam."
"I said well that sounds promising, what happened?"
He regaled me with the story in words I will choose not to share as they are fairly difficult to digest. Essentially the team worked for hours pulling the now deceased subject out of the log jam slowly and meticulously. The team was happy to have found the subject and the RCMP notified the family, who came down to identify the body once pulled from the jam. Unfortunately things didn't go very well. The log jam slipped, causing the body to slip down into the river into some strangely placed hole in the bottom of the river. The river was only 3 feet deep so the crews tried to reach him again, but the log jam had caused some boulders on the side of the banks to roll, and they rolled right over top of the hole in which the subject had landed.
The family saw everything. The family was there with hopes of bringing home their son/brother/husband/father and instead went home with a crushing disappointment. Needless to say the SAR team was crushed also.
When he was finished, PW simply let out a long whistle and began to cry. I told him we were all proud of the hard work, and tried to comfort him as best I could. He thanked me and we finished up with the other details.
I have to admit this call shook me. I've had bad calls both on the ambulance and in the office but this one hit me differently. I am shaken by the unfairness to it all. It's unfair that a family has to go another night knowing their loved one died trying to save a friend and without the closure of a hand to hold or a face to see one last time. I hate that the SAR team came so close to finishing and it slipped through their hands. My heart is with the team tonight, and my friend PW, and the family that lost a loved one.
Sometimes all the negativity in this job gets to me. Tonight is one of those times.

Back to Reality

Well I'm back in the office today, after a lovely 6 days off it was a little hard to get up this morning. CW is STILL on vacation (I really should have joined the RCMP) so I left him with a To-Do List today. We went to IKEA yesterday and we now have a growing pile of things to accomplish around the house before we can even set up our new purchases.
Our vacation went really well. I am officially a part of the Honour Guard, ready to stand at attention for great lengths of time in extremely uncomfortable shiny boots, and I am very proud of myself. I caught a flight to meet CW and his family late Sunday night and was rewarded with a nice soak in the hot tub and a late night glass of wine. The next day we were supposed to 'play' with CW's brother at his ERT practice but it was cancelled due to an incident that took place Sunday afternoon. There was a gang shooting (which is not common in my neck of the woods) and one very prominent gang member was killed, a young girl was left paralyzed and another gang member was shot in the face and left in critical condition. So CW's brother and his team was busy patrolling the hospital and crime scene for hours on end.
It wasn't a huge loss, we were able to play with the kids and meet some old friends for lunch. We got to have a great family BBQ on the deck in the sunshine which was wonderful. Shared some laughs, good food and good drinks.
The next day we took the kids (CW's brother has 2 great children ages 4 and 2) to the 'Goat Walk' where we got to feed the goats, horses and other farm animals which they loved, not as much as the ice cream of course. It is so nice to see CW play with the kids, I know he will make an excellent father one day.
We made a quick return as CW got a call for some over time at home. There was a fairly large grow-op bust in our community and they needed all members to help. The money is too good to turn down and as much as I hate when he has to leave on short notice and for hours at a time (and comes home smelling like a pot plant) we can always use the extra income.
So while I work this weekend CW will be doing chores and next week we will begin moving my stuff in and starting to build our nest together.

Boot Camp

So CW went home on Thursday, leaving me alone with the house. It was nice actually having the house to myself, I finally got everything clean, all his shirts are ironed and hanging in the right spot, and there is even room in the closet for me now! We will see how long that lasts. I still miss him though but I'll be joining him tomorrow, I'm sure I'll have some good stories when I come home. One of CW's brothers is also with the RCMP and so is his lovely wife. CW's brother is a leader with the ERT in his area (Emergency Response Team-kind of like the Canadian version of SWAT) and he has a training day while we are up there. I will be playing the part of one of the 'hostages' the team has to try and not shoot. Wish me luck ;) After the training CW was delighted to hear that his brother will let us try some of the different guns the team works with. CW is on the Tactical Team with the RCMP (also known as riot police) so he doesn't get to play with the guns as often. I'm pretty excited too as I've never actually fired a gun. CW and I have been having a lot of discussions lately about how different things are in Canada compared to the U.S.A simply because of guns and the lack there of up here. But that's a different post all together.
I started my training with the Honor Guard today and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was worried my migraines would take over again today as I went straight to the bootcamp from a night shift with no sleep in the office, but my head was clear all day. The training started with introductions and the structure of the Guard, which was nice to see laid out as I'm really not that familiar with the ranking system with the Canadian Forces, somewhere my Grandfather is rolling in his grave at that comment. Sorry. 
We quickly moved from classroom to the drill session. I have never had formal training in drill and let me tell you, it was a better workout than I have had in a long time. My arms are sore in places I never thought possible (apparently it is from keeping the elbows locked for so long while marching), my lower back is on fire, and the blisters on my feet should have their own flags, they are the biggest, meanest looking blisters I have ever seen. Despite all the pain and the complete exhaustion I can't stop grinning. It feels good to be a part of something with rank, importance and well, honor. I think I will enjoy the ceremonies, parades, weddings and even the memorials as I feel I have a place now and a better way to pay my respects.
Well, that's all I have for tonight, I've got another day of bootcamp tomorrow and then I get my lanyard and white gloves in a very nice ceremony that I am quite excited about.

I've got a fever....

.....And the only cure is MORE COWBELL! For anyone who hasn't seen that SNL skit I may come across quite strange, but that's ok with me. Anyways, the fever I am experiencing now is baby fever. Yep, every baby, toddler, child I see makes me want to go home, throw out my birth control and get started. However, my brain kicks in somewhere along the line and says 'wait, is this really the best time?'. CW and I have talked about kids many times. I wouldn't be moving in with him if we didn't see a life together so I know babies are in our future and I know CW will be an excellent father. This just isn't the right time for us. I'm starting school in 2012 (nursing for those interested) and CW has plans to move into a different unit (undercover gang something or other....there is a fancy name that I can never remember) in the near future that will bring long(er) hours and more nights where I'm at home studying alone and I could not imagine adding a baby into that. Anyways, the baby post was fuelled by a text from CW today " Kids are cute. But can you just pop out a 4 year old? Save all taht diaper business and junk?" I got this while in the office today and could not stop laughing. Kinda makes me want to think twice about having him be the father of my future children.
When I'm not daydreaming about tiny boots and small chubby hands I'm planning our wedding. Again, we've talked about it but there is no ring on my finger yet, and I think sometimes my planning really scares CW but I am totally addicted to wedding shows, wedding photos, reception ideas and everything else wedding!
But right now we are focused on making the house look good, painting, decorating, new furniture, the list goes on. We are going to IKEA next week and I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas.
In work related drama:
CW had to cancel his shift on the boat the other day as he was quite sick the night before and got zero sleep, he thinks it was due to some bad chicken (I thought it might have had something to do with the empty ice cream sandwich box I found in the freezer). He is still on holidays until the 23rd so any work stuff will be delayed untill then.
I on the other hand have been stuck in the office during all of our lovely weather. On the phone today I've had a man curse at me because the CO's in our area do not deal with seals-that would be DFO. I have had a man eat his breakfast while trying to tell me the bear in his area was going to maul a child one day. Now this is a big pet peeve of mine, eating while on the phone. It is just plain disgusting, seriously, put down the pizza and then make the call about the bear/deer/cougar/turtle you saw yesterday.
I've got more shift on car coming up and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm starting to get frustrated with the summer office job now. I have joined the Honour Guard for my ambulance service and my training days are this weekend. I'm nervous but more excited. I enjoy drill and the order of marching and the sound of multiple boots stomping the ground at once..yeah you can go ahead and think I'm weird now.