Black Cloud

It's official. I have a very large black cloud over my head. There was one forming and starting to sprinkle a little rain while I was working in the office. It has turned into a full blown thunder storm out here in the ambulance.
I warned my partner yesterday but she insisted on attending anyways. We traded roles after a very messy call at the jail. There was a fridge involved. I'm fairly certain they will be bolting that fridge down from now on.
Tonight, I'm working with a new guy. It's his first shift. I tried to warn him too but the pager toned before I could really tell him about the cloud about to burst. 20 minutes into the shift we were called Code 3 for cardiac arrest.
Normally arrests are one of the easiest calls, its a nice easy series of steps, fairly black and white. Not if you're operating under a shadow, which is unfortunately what happened tonight.
Sometimes the weight of my decisions that I must make in this job are overwhelming. Tonight I literally made the choice of life and death. I'm still not sure I went with the right one. How do you choose to start CPR, or not start CPR with the husband of your patient screaming at you not to touch her and the son of the patient pleading with you to "please, please just do something".
Everything changed in the course of 2 minutes. I made a decision and now I have to live with it. I followed my protocols. I took away the only dignity one can have in death and I can't take that back. This woman was meant to die peacefully in her chair. I dragged her out, I broke her ribs with my hands. All in front of her husband. He wouldn't look at me after. I asked if there was anything I could do for him. He told me to "Fuck off". I've never been so ashamed and sad at the same time.
As it turns out, the patient's family was expecting her to die today and the doctor had yet to return the DNR form. I'm mad at the doctor, I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the patient's husband for being so angry with me. I hope he knows I did what I had to do to protect my license. I did what I had to do simply because they called 911.